If Only
by Blaise-Malfoy
Summary: A Kel fic, set after Squire. Kel and Neal realize their feelings for each other too late (or is it?)
1. Rain and Homecoming

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters; they are all the creation of Tamora Pierce. This is merely an attempt to satisfy my craving for Kel/Neal. If it can't happen in the real Lady Knight I'll make it happen here!!!!  
  
A/N All Kel/Neal lovers especially tell me what you think!  
  
It was pouring with rain, and Lady Knight Keladry of Mindelan, on her way home to Corus, wondered for the hundredth time why she had waited until spring to come back. "I could have waited until summer but no, I had to come back now!" she said, to no one in particular. "It could be worse" her knight companion and good friend rode up beside her. Kel glared at him, completely soaked from head to toe, dark hair dripping into his eyes. "How could this weather possibly be worse?" she snapped, thinking that now would be a good time to apply some of the language she had learned in her years with the King's Own. "Well I'm not entirely sure about the weather, Lady Knight, but we could still be rolling in the mud, fighting off the Scanran raiding party" he grinned wickedly, green eyes flashing in the grey storm. "Or did you already repress the memories?" Kel grimaced. That week had been the worst of her life. I'll never be clean, she thought miserably as they rode on. "Cheer up Kel, we're almost home" Neal said in a softer voice, riding ahead a little to look for route markers. Kel sighed; rainy weather always brought out the worst in her, she hated to be wet. Still, she hadn't meant to take her frustration out on Neal, she rode ahead to apologize. "There's the palace" said Neal suddenly as she rode up beside him. "Will Roald and Shinko be there d'you think?" Kel grinned, "I don't know if Yuki will be there Neal" Neal made a noise that was half-way between choking and squawking. "I didn't even mention Yuki!" he protested. "No, you've been surprisingly quiet all week, which is quite unlike you" she said, as they slowed to a walk. "Well, truth be told, I'm a little unsure about her" he said hesitantly. "That's news to me; I thought things were going wonderfully" Kel said, a little shocked. "They were" Neal sighed, pushing his soaked hair out of his eyes. "And." Kel prodded "What's happening now? I know you were trading letters" "Yuki and I are, maybe too alike" he began "She's not sure if she wants to be tied to me, when this is her third year in Tortall. She wants to meet new people" he said bitterly. "But she loves you; I know she does, that night during your Ordeal-" "Kel" Neal interrupted her and stopped his horse. He looked at her. They were both soaked to the bone, and streaked with mud. The rain pounded down around them as they stood frozen in front of the castle. "I'm not sure I love her" he whispered. Kel was struck by the sadness of him. The light in his emerald eyes was gone, and his mouth was tight with misery. He turned, dismounted, and walked towards the stables. Kel kicked Peachblossom into a gallop, and rode around in front of him. Sliding off the big horse's back, she tackled Neal and held him at an arm's length, noting with glee that they were the same height now. "Listen silly, you're just worried she'll stop loving you, so you're distancing yourself from her first. Trust me on this Neal, I may not be much of a girl, but I do know some things. She loves you." Neal smiled crookedly and swept her up into a tight hug. She squeaked and he let go. "Thanks Lady Knight, sorry to dump all this onto you" he said as they led their horses to the stables. Kel tousled his hair "We'll both be the better after a hot bath" she said, moving into a stall and grooming Peachblossom. "Ah heat, I've heard of that" Neal sighed comically as they finished up. They entered the palace and went up the stairs, to the very top floor. "You know one day, we're going to have to find a real place to live" Neal commented as they reached the rooms reserved for knights staying in the palace. Kel rolled her eyes. "Bath and sleep, worry about lodging another day" she shoved him sideways towards an open door. Neal threw up his hands in surrender. "You win, sleep well Lady Knight" he smiled wearily and closed the door.  
  
A/N: Okay first chapter? Is Neal too angsty? R+R please, I live for reviews!! 


	2. Wedding Plans

Kel brushed her sun-streaked brown hair. Cleon was coming back from border patrol today and she wanted to look her best. Not that it mattered, she smiled, Cleon loved her even when she was muddy and sweating after digging ditches all day. Still, she wanted to look nice for his arrival. Pulling on a white shirt and green tunic, she admired the picture she made in the mirror. It wasn't often Kel took the effort to dress nicely, so she had enlisted Lalasa's help. Lalasa had picked out green tunic and breeches, saying it brought out the green in Kel's hazel eyes. Admittedly Kel didn't notice it, but maybe Cleon would, she thought hopefully. She pulled on her dark, calf-length boots and went out the door. When she arrived downstairs in the mess hall, Kel filtered through the pages milling about, to get a look at the small table by the staff table. There was Neal, sitting with Yuki, Roald and Shinko. Disappointed that Cleon wasn't there, and not wanting to sit with the happy couples, Kel turned and left. Neal glanced up at the same time. "Neal? Are you even listening?" Yuki asked irritation plain in her golden brown eyes. Neal shook his head slightly. Shinko and Roald were looking at him quizzically. "Sorry?" Yuki rolled her eyes, and Neal thought bitterly that she had come a long way from hiding her emotions. "We were discussing Prince Roald and Shinkokami's wedding guests" she said. "What about them?" Neal asked. "I was trying to decide whether to invite my Great-Aunt Desiane" said Roald. "I don't know Roald, she doesn't seem like she would get along with Yamasaki noh Ditaro and he's my favourite cousin" Shinko said, looking worried as they consulted a long list. "What makes you think they wouldn't get along?" asked Yuki. As Roald and Shinko began listing political differences between Yamanis and Tortallans, Neal pressed his hands to his face and sighed. He wished Kel had stayed, this was going to be one long breakfast and she found this kind of thing just as boring as he. Making a quick decision, he got up, pleading morning exercises to Yuki, ignoring Roald's accusation that he never practiced when they were pages. He found Kel outside, with her glaive. He sat and admired as she moved through the motions of one of her pattern dances, loving the blend of grace and deadliness. When she finished, he crossed the practice yard to her. "Blowing off steam?" he inquired. Kel smiled at him. "You just missed Cleon" she said, "He wanted to see you." "That was a quick visit" said Neal, surprised "I was only in the mess hall for an hour, granted it felt like much longer" he finished under his breath. "Well, he had to continue on to Kennan tonight, his mother wanted him to greet his betrothed" Kel said, eyes a little sad. "Well, that's his loss then, because now I get to spend the day with you" Neal grinned. "Don't you have wedding plans to make?" Kel asked wickedly Neal shuddered. "How did you find out about those?" "I had breakfast with the Own, word gets around fast" Kel shrugged. "So, really, it worked out well for you today, getting out of endless debates on whether someone's Great-Aunt is a little too fond of ale and so on" she said, earning a laugh from Neal. "You have no idea how close to the truth you are" he said as they went to put Kel's glaive back in her room. He stopped her just before they entered the palace. "Wait, Kel, there's something different about you" he studied her face. Kel felt a little jolt in her stomach when he looked directly into her eyes. "Your eyes look greener" he said finally, heading up the stairs to their rooms while Kel stood still. She felt a little out of breath. Cleon hadn't noticed the green, but Neal had. Cleon, she thought sternly. Cleon and Yuki were part of their lives now. She couldn't go where her thoughts were taking her, and it was best to cut them off at the pass. Still, she thought, trudging up the stairs not thinking of Neal's dancing eyes and wide grin it's too bad things couldn't have worked out differently.  
  
A/N: I want to write more but I am completely stuck with Yuki. What should I do with her? Any suggestions, constructive criticisms and (of course) reviews are appreciated! ( 


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